I guess I’m realizing what pushes me away from other people. At first I thought I can’t connect properly because I’m just too fundamentally different. I thought it could also be that I judge people too harshly. I try to talk to people and actually enjoy myself but I find it so hard to do. I can enjoy the company of others on a shallow basis, as in I’m happy with the company at the moment but I cannot truly pursue a friendship. I alway find myself pushing myself away from them and distrusting everything about their intentions. I don’t know how to trust when I’m so afraid of being a fool. It’s good to be wary of backstabbers or fake people but it shouldn’t interfere so much to the point where you avoid them without giving them a proper chance.
Johnny, baby, you know I love you but…….
HASN’T THIS BITCH EVER SEEN THE NOTEBOOK?!
Very happy with the conversation I had with him earlier.
He tells me he’ll try harder to show me how much he loves me. He seems to be aware of the changes he’s had since I met him. According to him he has a hard time being able to show love in more than one way at a time. I can see that he’s having a very rough time with all the car bullshit. I wish we weren’t so unlucky. The fact that there is always another obstacle blocking us from being together happily really sucks.
Don’t know what to think about his explanation. On one hand I agree, and I feel like he’s right, the stress he’s going through comes in between our love and I should understand that. On the other hand I’ve become so frustrated with everything being subpar. So annoyed of being expected to wait patiently without much appreciation for my waiting, without enough love being shown.
But he says it’ll be better now and I have to believe him. I just hope that these cute texts he’s sending now lasts. We always put so much effort at the start. Hopefully I can trust that things will be better now.
I think I need to spend more time with my friends though. Maybe that’ll take some pressure off him. I thought I was spending enough time already but I think I should take it up a notch.
My mother wants to go on vacation to Brazil to see our family for two months this summer. I don’t know what to tell her. I wanted to go for 1 month initially. One month may not be long enough to do everything I want to do there, and since we’re paying for expensive flight tickets maybe I should take as much advantage as possible while I’m there. Two months may be too long however. I enjoy my summer months here. My summers are usually spent with him, and I love it. I’m really looking forward to our 4th summer together. If I stay for two months I’ll miss his birthday in June and shorten how time together significantly. I wonder what he’ll say about this. I wish he could go. But I know he can’t so I won’t ask.
Break over, back to analyzing Ancient Novels.